Thoughts & Observations During Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace (in 3D)

Last night my friends dragged me to see Star Wars: Episode I in 3D.

Now, I may not have included Star Wars on my favorites list a few days ago, but I still love the series. Correction: I love Episodes IV-VI. I love Darth Vader, not Anakin. Luke Skywalker. Princess Leia. Harrison Ford, y’all.

Let’s not pretend Phantom Menace isn’t the worst of all. We all know better. But I went because I love my friends. And also my blog. I knew it would provide plenty of hilarious fodder for a post. And actually, Phantom Menace is the first movie I remember seeing in theaters. I was 9 or 10, and it was with my family.

So, here are the thoughts and observations that were bouncing in my brain as I watched the saga unfold at Denton Movie Tavern. They are in real-time, following the movie chronologically, so if you’re really bored you can pop in your copy of Phantom Menace and attempt to follow my thought train. That would be hilarious. And probably confusing.

-Man, this music is epic. John Williams, I love you. Too bad the rest is about to suuuuck.
-Ewan McGregor…not as attractive in this movie, I feel. I think it’s the tiny ponytail…
-Dang, I wish I had a lightsaber.
-“They’re still coming through!” lolz
-“They’ve gone up the ventilation shaft!” LOLZ
-Um, are these guys Asian?
-That sure doesn’t sound like Natalie Portman.
-She literally cannot move her neck because of all that hair. And is it cutting off circulation to her vocal cords too? I mean, really, who talks like that?!
-You’re still one of my girl crushes, NP.
-Jar Jar frikkin’ Binks.
-He looks like he could be related to Ducky from Land Before Time.
-Underwater city, what what! This just got Little Mermaid, y’all.
-My goodness. That is some spiky hair.
-Did Jar Jar just say “Egads”? Who does he think he is, Sherlock Holmes?
-“There’s always a bigger fish.” –Qui-Gon
-Seen one monster fish, you’ve seen ‘em all. Yawn.
-“That ain’t her!” –someone yells about NP decoy. (Ok, maybe it was me.)
-“That doesn’t compute uh….You’re under arrest!” lolz
-“We’re losing power.” Psssh. Way to be Captain Obvious, Ewan.
-This is some wooden dialogue.
DARTH MAUL! Oh wait, just a hologram. We’re cool.
-What George Lucas didn’t tell you is how he plucked Jar Jar straight outta the Caribbean. Not Naboo.
Why am I watching this in 3D? Anyone?
-Liam Neeson is wearing a Snuggie.
-Oop. Nope. Poncho.
-Amidala…kind of a cougar.
-“Are you an angel?” Smooth, kid.
-Sandstorms are dangerous, y’all.
-R2D2 + C3PO, it’s love, guys! BFF4Life.
– “I beg your pardon, what do you mean, ‘naked’?”
-Guys. I’m going to be Darth Maul for Halloween. Who wants to help apply the makeup? 4 hours, tops.
-“No one can kill a Jedi.” –Anakin to Qui-Gon. Foreshadowing. Awkward.
-Now there’s a “methinks”? Are Hamlet and Fortinbras about to pop out of a pod?
IMMACULATE CONCEPTION!
-“Shut up, ginger kid!” –some random guy in the theater
-Over 20,000?! Inconceivable!
-Three Stooges reference? With the pit crew?
-Jabba is so nasty. Actually, he doesn’t look as nasty here as he does in the Return of the Jedi days.
-Awww. Poor little guy exploded in his pod.
-Is it bad that I don’t care Anakin won the race? And that he’s no longer a slave to the little blue wasp guy?
-Is anyone else disturbed by how easily Liam Neeson hijacks this kid??
-This kid deserves an Oscar, y’all.
-Finally. More lightsabers!
-“Anakin Skywalker, meet Obi-Wan Kenobi.” Bumbumbum.
-“I made this for you.” –Anakin to Padmé
-“I MADE THIS FOR YOU!!!” –screams my friend Corey (http://youtu.be/NwTsZHGQ6FE)
-I kinda wish I was watching Blade Runner right now…
-Lady Gaga would love Amidala’s headdress.
-Yoda!
SAMUEL L.!!!
-obligatory Snakes on a Plane reference
-“Fear leads to the Dark Side.” –Yoda
-“May the Force be with you.” And also with you. We lift up our hearts. We lift them up to…
-Queen Amidala’s hair is in bags. Bags, y’all.
-“No, I beg you to help us.” –NP, falling on her knees (hilarious laughter ensues). Girl, you need to beg a little better.
-Wait, is this Lord of the Rings?
-Wait, is this Braveheart?
-Thank goodness for lightsabers, y’all.
-Liam Neeson’s gonna use his mind to Jack. You. Up.
-Or, he’s gonna die.
-Darth Maul is the toad guy from X-Men?!
-Yeah right. That is not how Darth Maul would’ve died.
-Pssh. He is not the Chosen One.
-Jedi funeral = Viking funeral.
-And then they all broke out in JAI-HO! (end credits roll)

What would your thoughts be during Phantom Menace? Which Episode is your fave?

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19 thoughts on “Thoughts & Observations During Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace (in 3D)

  1. I saw Phantom Menace when it first came out in theaters, which I think would make me like 11? I could find out but I’m too lazy. Anyway, I remember essentially nothing about it. I remember that I tried to convince myself that I liked it because, at that young, it was just too heartbreaking to imagine that Star Wars even COULD be ruined.
    I saw all 3 prequels in theaters. I’ve not seen any of them since and I have no intention of changing that. Gr. Fuck George Lucas anyway.
    That said, I think Return of the Jedi was always my favorite of the original series. As an adult, I’m not at all sure it’s the best MOVIE of the series but Star Wars is all about nostalgia for me, so I don’t care. 😛

    Bethany

  2. As a kid, it was definitely Return of the Jedi for me for really one reason: The Endor Moon. Nowadays it’s Empire Strikes Back. It had the most Han Solo in it and if we can all be honest, Harrison Ford is the best actor in the whole series.

  3. I too am an original trilogy fan. Star Wars (A New Hope) was the first film I still remember seeing in the theater when I was 5 or 6. When I first saw Phantom Menace in 1999, after standing in line for a midnight screening with friends, following all the hype, I was the only one of my friends to call the film out as a let down. I thought the only good scenes were that final lightsaber duel, which I consider the best lightsaber duel of the six films, but one duel does not make up for the rest of the movie. I’m skipping it in 3-D for sure.

    • Right there with you, I saw Star Wars, you know THE Star Wars at the same age as you, and all me and my friends cared about for the next six years was the rest of the trilogy. So I see PM and wow what a disappointment. It didn’t stop me from finishing out the rest of the trilogy, but I’ve never watched them since. I feel like a chunk of my childhood was ripped away from me that night, and I’ve been in therapy ever since.

      In the long run, even though I was mad about it at the moment, Empire is hands down my favorite. I just couldn’t deal with the three year cliffhanger wait and Han being frozen in carbonite. Plus one of the greatest movie jaw droppers of all time.

      “Luke, I’m your father.”

      • “Luke …. I am your father,” you mean. Yes, Empire was an amazingly traumatic experience when I was about 9. It was great seeing it in the theater and not knowing what was coming. I know the OT like the back of my hand, I have seen those movies so many times. Empire played for like 6 months straight in the theater and we would go back over and over, until we probably saw it like 10 times. It was such a different time. I love the art films nowadays, but I’ll never forget SW’s influence on making me a sci-fi fan, as well (Source Code and Super 8 are among my fave films in my most recent posts, among Greek, Russian, Thai and Italian films: http://indieethos.wordpress.com/2012/02/24/an-antidote-for-oscar-hype-my-20-favorite-films-of-2011-numbers-20-10/

  4. definitely read through that in order and could picture the film all the way through 🙂 i hope that you enjoyed it anyway! i think that mine would go a bit like that but also including-
    i wonder who would win, the robots in wall-e or the storm troopers.
    where do i get me one of those underwater ventilators?!
    randall bogs from monsters inc would be a good partner to the racing alien.
    is yoda just a really old man who has shrivelled up over time?
    and many many more 🙂
    i will probably skip this in 3D and also the upcoming titanic 3D…. what are they thinking?!

  5. I love the first three starwars too. The proper first three I mean. Anakin is just so whiny I end up shouting SHUT UP! at the TV when the kids have it on.
    I saw them all at the movies with my dad. I was 6 when the first one came out and absolutely loved it. It became something of a tradition for the two of us to see them together and I made sure we got to see the last ones together too.

    I will stifle my annoyance at Anakin and take my kids to see the 3D one as well. Might even take grandpa too!
    I love having sons, it means I can love starwars all over again and that the house is full of toy lightsabres and people willing to do battle with them at the drop of a hat….

  6. Haha, most of these were my thoughts exactly. And one more… “George Lucas knows that 3-D won’t make the acting 3-dimensional, right?”
    Very funny post. 🙂

  7. This came when I was way too young, I must of seen it years ago but I just can’t remember, all I do remember was thinking it was awesome, so I don’t know why people hate it so much?! I mean, from what you’ve said it doesn’t sound as aweful as everyone makes out!!

  8. Well, thanks. Now I have to delete that draft post on Star Wars I’ve been working on for a few days now… Well, since our perspectives are a little different, maybe I’ll finish it and publish it anyway. I was a huge fan of Star Wars growing up, so when news came out George CGI Lucas was going to finally make the prequels I was ecstatic. I suppose I don’t have to state I was a bit disappointed after all was said and done. My impression of the prequels was like when you read a really good book and you love the story, but when you see the movie, it just doesn’t do the story justice. The ideas and the story are great, even profound in the right light, but the movies are sub par. Yeah, maybe I’ll finish that post anyway, at http://moviesshouldnotsuck.com eventually if you’re interested, instead of in your comments! 🙂

  9. Pingback: StarWarts, or How to mess up a good thing « MoviesShouldNotSuck

  10. This is a hilarious, and yes confusing, list of thoughts and observations for Phantom Menace. I’ll admit, I’m not really a fan of Star Wars (yeah, come and get me Internet), but I liked how at some point you wished you were watching Blade Runner, a Classic!

  11. When I read your posts my eyes glaze with love and fire the echos from ancient fairy ghosts sing beautiful music the walls turn pink and baby blue the ground trembles as stars dance across a galaxy of groovy vibes keep posting baby! X Mercury Moonshine Dutchess lets dance in georges arcade and spread glitter on st Patricks day ” loving Dublin Since the Moon started to Shine “

  12. My first thought, when I saw the poster in the theater, was “What? Why?” (Ok, maybe that’s 2.)

    Why bring it out again in 3D? (Obvious answer: box office) And rigging it for 3D is a heck of a lot cheaper than making an new one.

    I’m a bit of a curmudgeon. If you can’t tell your story in black & white and 2D (like, f’r’instance, “The Artist”), I’m not all that interested. (“Hugo” was an exception, There, the 3D worked well.)

  13. My biggest secret is that I saw this movie once when I was twelve and I was fine with it, because of the light saber battle was rad. Also, to quote Clerks the cartoon show, “The pod race scenes were pretty cool.”

    But I would never say that now. The mise en scene is atrocious. *covers face with an Igmar Bergman biography*

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