Last night my friends dragged me to see Star Wars: Episode I in 3D.
Now, I may not have included Star Wars on my favorites list a few days ago, but I still love the series. Correction: I love Episodes IV-VI. I love Darth Vader, not Anakin. Luke Skywalker. Princess Leia. Harrison Ford, y’all.
Let’s not pretend Phantom Menace isn’t the worst of all. We all know better. But I went because I love my friends. And also my blog. I knew it would provide plenty of hilarious fodder for a post. And actually, Phantom Menace is the first movie I remember seeing in theaters. I was 9 or 10, and it was with my family.
So, here are the thoughts and observations that were bouncing in my brain as I watched the saga unfold at Denton Movie Tavern. They are in real-time, following the movie chronologically, so if you’re really bored you can pop in your copy of Phantom Menace and attempt to follow my thought train. That would be hilarious. And probably confusing.
-Man, this music is epic. John Williams, I love you. Too bad the rest is about to suuuuck.
-Ewan McGregor…not as attractive in this movie, I feel. I think it’s the tiny ponytail…
-Dang, I wish I had a lightsaber.
-“They’re still coming through!” lolz
-“They’ve gone up the ventilation shaft!” LOLZ
-Um, are these guys Asian?
-That sure doesn’t sound like Natalie Portman.
-She literally cannot move her neck because of all that hair. And is it cutting off circulation to her vocal cords too? I mean, really, who talks like that?!
-You’re still one of my girl crushes, NP.
-Jar Jar frikkin’ Binks.
-He looks like he could be related to Ducky from Land Before Time.
-Underwater city, what what! This just got Little Mermaid, y’all.
-My goodness. That is some spiky hair.
-Did Jar Jar just say “Egads”? Who does he think he is, Sherlock Holmes?
-“There’s always a bigger fish.” –Qui-Gon
-Seen one monster fish, you’ve seen ‘em all. Yawn.
-“That ain’t her!” –someone yells about NP decoy. (Ok, maybe it was me.)
-“That doesn’t compute uh….You’re under arrest!” lolz
-“We’re losing power.” Psssh. Way to be Captain Obvious, Ewan.
-This is some wooden dialogue.
–DARTH MAUL! Oh wait, just a hologram. We’re cool.
-What George Lucas didn’t tell you is how he plucked Jar Jar straight outta the Caribbean. Not Naboo.
–Why am I watching this in 3D? Anyone?
-Liam Neeson is wearing a Snuggie.
-Oop. Nope. Poncho.
-Amidala…kind of a cougar.
-“Are you an angel?” Smooth, kid.
-Sandstorms are dangerous, y’all.
-R2D2 + C3PO, it’s love, guys! BFF4Life.
– “I beg your pardon, what do you mean, ‘naked’?”
-Guys. I’m going to be Darth Maul for Halloween. Who wants to help apply the makeup? 4 hours, tops.
-“No one can kill a Jedi.” –Anakin to Qui-Gon. Foreshadowing. Awkward.
-Now there’s a “methinks”? Are Hamlet and Fortinbras about to pop out of a pod?
-“Shut up, ginger kid!” –some random guy in the theater
-Over 20,000?! Inconceivable!
-Three Stooges reference? With the pit crew?
-Jabba is so nasty. Actually, he doesn’t look as nasty here as he does in the Return of the Jedi days.
-Awww. Poor little guy exploded in his pod.
-Is it bad that I don’t care Anakin won the race? And that he’s no longer a slave to the little blue wasp guy?
-Is anyone else disturbed by how easily Liam Neeson hijacks this kid??
-This kid deserves an Oscar, y’all.
-Finally. More lightsabers!
-“Anakin Skywalker, meet Obi-Wan Kenobi.” Bumbumbum.
-“I made this for you.” –Anakin to Padmé
-“I MADE THIS FOR YOU!!!” –screams my friend Corey (http://youtu.be/NwTsZHGQ6FE)
-I kinda wish I was watching Blade Runner right now…
-Lady Gaga would love Amidala’s headdress.
-obligatory Snakes on a Plane reference
-“Fear leads to the Dark Side.” –Yoda
-“May the Force be with you.” And also with you. We lift up our hearts. We lift them up to…
-Queen Amidala’s hair is in bags. Bags, y’all.
-“No, I beg you to help us.” –NP, falling on her knees (hilarious laughter ensues). Girl, you need to beg a little better.
-Wait, is this Lord of the Rings?
-Wait, is this Braveheart?
-Thank goodness for lightsabers, y’all.
-Liam Neeson’s gonna use his mind to Jack. You. Up.
-Or, he’s gonna die.
-Darth Maul is the toad guy from X-Men?!
-Yeah right. That is not how Darth Maul would’ve died.
-Pssh. He is not the Chosen One.
-Jedi funeral = Viking funeral.
-And then they all broke out in JAI-HO! (end credits roll)
What would your thoughts be during Phantom Menace? Which Episode is your fave?